So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
