I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
