the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
