Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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