just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
