i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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