I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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