my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
