last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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