So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
