I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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