when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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