I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
