Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
