It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
