Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
