as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize