How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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