I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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