Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
