We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
