I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
