You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
