Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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