Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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