i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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