so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
don't judge my taste in strippers
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
