I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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