I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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