You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
