I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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