Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
