Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
i think i just lost a toe
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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