I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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