So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
