I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
