Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
