doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
