she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Randomize
