when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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