Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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