I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
