I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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