The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
