The best revenge is premature balding
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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