Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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