I got chris browned last night
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
