I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
