Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
