yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize