i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
