I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize