I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
