Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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