Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
