totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
