Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
