she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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