She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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