so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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